being naked is an act of self-love

When I was a little girl, pre-parents divorce, my family had a membership at the Birchwood Athletic Club. It felt exclusive having a membership there, like we were truly a nuclear family with enough money to afford the luxury of focusing on our fitness.

I remember going to the club significantly more during the winter and seeing steam evaporate off the pool area glass. I was excited to walk through the doors, so that the chlorine could smack me in the face the moment I entered. The entrance had a tall staircase that felt like we were at the airport, which also made entering feel like a destination vacation.

The club had a childcare section, but for some reason my parents rarely made me go to it. They let me do my own thing most of the time. Not sure if it was a combination of how ‘well behaved’ I was or if my parents just did not give a fuck what I did during their ‘me time’, but either way I preferred to be able to explore the building. Every visit felt like an eternity, but I found enough to keep me busy.

My mom and I would always join again near the end of the day. My parents were nervous about me being in the hot tub by myself because they thought that I may not listen to my little body and would stay in too long. I loved dunking my head into the hot water just to see how long I could I hold my breath, but this made my mom nervous. She told me that having my heart in the hot water for too long was dangerous and she would require me to sit on the edge every few minutes. Although, I believed my mom was honest, I was also certain this was faulty information. Either way, I appreciated that she was looking out for me.

The sauna was the last stop. Typically, I was the youngest and the most clothed. All the women in there were completely nude and owning it. Seeing women sitting in their own skin was comforting, but even at that age I was aware that I would not be comfortable entering the sweat lodge without wearing my bathing suit. I felt like if I had taken my bathing suit off that all eyes would be on me. So, I kept it on in hopes to camouflage my insecurities of being naked around strangers. The shame around my body only grew louder since then.

This year, I made a pact with myself that I would run toward all the things that scare the shit out of me. One of the things on my list was being nude in front of other women. After having two children and generally not loving my body, the thought of being nude in front of other women gave me an anxiety attack. During those previous invitations I knew I wasn’t brave enough yet.

I recently got invited by a few friends to join them at The Schvitz. I immediately went into panic mode trying to figure out what excuse I could dish out, so that I would not have to put myself in such a vulnerable state, but I knew that I could not keep making excuses if I really wanted to get over my fear, so I said, “FUCK YES!”

This was my first time at The Schvitz, I did not know what to expect, except there would be women there, including my close friends, naked.

I headed straight back to the women’s locker room and I began to undress like I had done this a million times before. It’s kind of like jumping into a pool, if you dip your toe in, then you might not want to jump in anymore. So, I figured I should just strip immediately; otherwise I might convince myself to keep all my clothes on or even more embarrassing I might just walk out.

One of the women in the locker room complimented me on my pastel pink silk robe. This gave me great relief since I felt like my silk robe might not be up to par. An other woman wore a floor length robe open with her bra and panties showing. She walked around like she owned the place and carried a confidence that I could only admire to have one day. There were women giving massages and facials and I thought, “Damn, this is what self care looks like…” I was sold.

The true test still lied ahead of me, but as I descended into the bathhouse there were women of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and ages standing around chatting and laughing completely nude. Seeing other women comfortable in their skin gave me the boost of confidence I needed to take my robe off and enter the dry sauna. As I sat there for a moment, I felt myself judging my body, but especially my breasts. They are flatter and smaller than I would prefer. My nipples have felt too big, since having Rory. I saw a couple of other women walk in with smaller nipples. I thought surely all of my anxieties and fears are true, I have bigger nipples than most women.

I felt sorry for myself for a couple minutes, until I reminded myself that this experience was not about judging, it was about embracing. As I sat their telling myself positive affirmations, I was reminded of my childhood memories of being in the sauna at the Birchwood. As a kid, I had no idea that I was going to turn out to be one of those women who sat in a sauna naked, but I was proud I finally got there.

Being naked is an act of self-love.