i don’t believe in “loving yourself first”

I have always been a hopeless romantic, a lover of love. 

Maybe, that is, because I did not get the love I so desperately desired as a child after my parents divorce... or maybe it’s because I grew up obsessively watching soap operas with my grandma during our two weeks together during summer vacation. 

Either way, I have always longed to be desired, to be wanted, to be enough. 

Since I was 15-years-old, I was in back-to-back long term relationships with very little downtime between boyfriends. I thought my first boyfriend was the one, I thought my second boyfriend was the one, I thought my third boyfriend was the one, and so on... 

I was wrong many, many times about who would ultimately become my life partner, but I am okay with that. 

Looking back, I am proud of the strength I had to trust again and to love fiercely after experiencing the depths of heartache that one can only experience when a relationship ends. 

Sure, maybe if I had a better understanding of “self-love” in my younger years, I would have left some relationships sooner or handled some situations differently, but each partner was a mirror reflecting life’s most important lessons. 

It was through partnership that I learned what I did and did not want from a partnership and from myself.

It was through partnership that I felt safe to express myself honestly.

It was through partnership that I learned how to remove my mask and to be authentic.

It was through partnership that I learned how to tear down the walls I built up and how to break the cyclical patterns that relationships can bring to an individual soul.

It was through partnership that I leaned into true vulnerability. 

It was through partnership that I learned....

how to love myself.