Therapy Thursdays

Every Thursday morning for the last 3 months, I’ve had an hour-long therapy session. 

I was supposed to have therapy today, but something came up, not for me, for her. 

That’s okay… Maybe... This is a test. 

Maybe this is a test of how much or how little I really need therapy. 

But, if it is a test then I feel like I am failing today. I really needed therapy today. 

I feel useless, and in need of my routine. 

This afternoon, I observed that if my session is pushed by a day or an hour then I am not okay. 

Was I ever okay? 

Am I even healing? 

Is it possible to become dependent on therapy?

Have I become addicted or too dependent on another thing in my life? 

I fear becoming dependent on anything because I feel like I become dependent on everything. 

My fear of becoming dependent on AA is one of the main reasons why I stopped going to AA, along with my desire to be ‘normal’ and drink again. I was so afraid that the collective community was going to be the only thing keeping me from drinking and I was determined to see if I could do it on my own. LOL. 

This is probably what every alcoholic thinks. Once we think we can do it on our own, that is exactly when we start drinking again. 

But, I feel justified in my fears of being dependent on a program like AA. 

I watched my Grandpa go from one addiction to another. Alcohol to AA. Once he gave up drinking, he filled his void with meetings, coffee, and cigarettes.

I’m not sure which addiction is better. Maybe AA since he is still alive. Although, he used to gift me more Twinkies when he was a "drunk".

I’m more like my Grandpa than I realized. He would probably feel the same way I feel if he missed his therapy appointment too.